Back to Life

I don't want to sound morbid but I thought it would be good to get out what I have been feeling over the last few days. My family and friends have been telling and showing me how much they love me and all I have been able to think about is how much I love all of them and how close I came to being taken away from everyone too soon.

Everything started Friday morning (7/10) with a slight pain on my upper right side around the bottom of my breast that hurt with each breath I took. I had a photoshoot the night before where I was stuffed into tight couture gowns so I just thought that maybe I irritated a rib muscle so I didnt think much of the pain and just took a few advil hoping it would go away. By the time I was done with all my castings that day (which was about 4pm in Sherman Oaks) the pain had gotten worse. I suffered through the 2.5 hour drive home to Long Beach and took half a Vicodin to see if that would help subside the pain. I passed out for about 3-4 hours and woke up in even worse pain. I took the other half of the pill and tried to go back to sleep but there wasnt a single position I could lay in without being in EXTREME pain with every breath I took. The paid had also started to radiate into my right shoulder/shoulder blade area and was simultaneously hurting with every breath I took.

So at about 2am I decided to get on my computer to look up my symptoms to try to figure out what was going on with my body. I also wanted to give the other half of the Vicodin I had taken some time to take effect. After some research I thought that, at worst, I was having a gallbladder attack. I just thought "great! all the eating disorder BS of my younger years had finally come back to bite me in the behind!" I was hoping for a strained intercostal muscle (muscle between the ribs) but was preparing for what I was thinking was worst case scenario, having my gallbladder removed. For a VERY brief moment I did contemplate a possible blood clot because of the radiating pain in my shoulder, but I couldnt figure out any risk factors I had to explain it so I dismissed it rather quickly. By 330am the pain had worsened even more and I couldnt wait til Urgent Care opened at 7am so I woke up my dad and sister and had them take me to the ER.

When I walked in, I was about half way through explaining my symptoms to the nurse at check-in when they brought me back and started taking my vital signs. They quickly moved me to a bed back in the ER and I was seen shortly after that by the Head of the Emergency Dept. After answering a few more questions about meds I am on, my current activity levels, etc and doing an examination of my abdomen and pain areas he ordered a bunch of blood tests, one in particular he was interested in was the test that showed whether there were blood clots present in my body since being on birth control pills puts me at a higher risk for developing clots in my body. The doctor came back about 20 minutes after the blood was drawn and told me that the test came back positive for there being a blood clot in my body so they ordered a CT Scan with contrast of my chest to pinpoint its exact location.

It took about 30 minutes to get the CT scan and for my doctor to come back with the bad news. He said that the CT scan showed extensive blood clots in both my pulmonary arteries with the biggest one being in the lower lobe of my right lung. It was explained to me that I had an "infarction" of some lung tissue because of the blockage, which is basically medical speak for dead lung tissue due to loss of blood flow/oxygen because of the blocked arteries. So they admitted me to the hospital right away and started me on a Heparin drip to thin out my blood to prevent the clots from getting bigger and breaking off and traveling to other areas of my body. Since I didn't belong to any other risk groups for blood clots, hadn't traveled long distances or long flight, nor had I had any sort of surgery lately, the only thing they could tie the clots to was my use of birth control pills.

So to sum it up, the clots had somehow managed to form in my body and travel through my heart and lodged in my pulmonary arteries/lungs without killing me. I am basically a walking/talking miracle! They showed me the CT scan and while my experience in my bio classes with them is limited I did see the cloudy white area of dead lung tissue as well as the clots in my right lung, the clot(s) in my left lung weren't so easily identifiable because they were blocked by my heart...which is even scarier to know how close in proximity they were to my heart. Good thing I had been feeling tired and lazy the last week and hadn't been working out as much as normal, I could have dropped dead at the gym!

Now, 4 days after being admitted, I am home and glad to be in my normal surroundings. I feel and look like a pin cushion as they had to take my blood every 6 hours to test my INR levels to make sure they were at the correct levels before letting me go (normal is around 1.0 and I needed to be between 2.0-3.0). The point of keeping them at a higher level is to prevent the clots from getting bigger and causing more damage. At this point, I have to give myself an injection of Arixtra into the fat of my stomach everyday through Friday (its a boost to the oral blood thinner meds) and take Warfarin daily for the next few months. I also need to get my INR levels tested every few days until they levels stabilze so I get to be a pin cushion for a little while longer, YAY!

I am so grateful to be alive. Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much as I do medically when I am personally involved in situations like these. To know how close I came to death or stroke, and a sudden onset of either, really sank in while I was in the ER and I couldn't help by cry and think about how much I hadn't done yet in my life. I try to live a healthy life and take care of myself. I dont smoke, drink rarely, exercise 4-6 days a week and eat a very healthy diet. I would have never thought something like this would happen to me, but it did. I definitely have come away from this experience with a new view on life, one that is more positive and focused on living life to the fullest! I will be ready to hit the ground running with my career so I can set myself up financially to get through school starting next fall. Ultimately I would like to become a doctor, it has been my calling for almost my entire life but I somehow always put it on the backburner or settle for something else. Not anymore.

Life is precious and time is limited so do all that you can today because you never know if you have tomorrow.

Update, FINALLY!

I know I haven't written on here in a while but there has been quite a bit going on in both my professional and personal life. Professionally things have been going well with booking work but not so well with getting paid for the work I have done. I was fortunate to book a 2 week background job on Iron Man 2 shortly after I returned from New York City and that was a lot of fun. I was able to get the last 2 SAG vouchers I needed to be eligible to join (I got my first one working on Bruno earlier this year) but they put me in 5" heels and standing/walking/running in those things 15-16 hours per day was NOT fun! I also mis-stepped on set last Monday and rolled my ankle and have been having issues with it ever since but am slowly healing. Unfortunately I do not have the luxury of being able to stay thin without working out so I have had to wrap my ankle every time I hit the gym so that's a little bit of a pain in the butt but I'm dealing.

Payments have been a major headache of mine lately. As of today I am owed $2550 for work I have done, some of it dating back to the end of January! Its really frustrating to have to track people down to get them to pay me what I am owed. I have bills that I need to pay and find it irresponsible for companies to book someone for a job and delay paying them for BS reasons. The only people I have had no problems with paying on time are the production companies. I have been paid weekly for the work I did on Iron Man 2 and am thankful that they were such a pleasure to work with and I haven't had to track anyone down over the course of a few months to get paid.

Personally things took a turn for the better then reversed course a week ago, which I have to admit wasn't a total surprise. Its just difficult to stay focused on my career and moving forward with my life when a certain someone that is very important to me and who I thought supported me does a 180 AGAIN. I love them dearly but they are starting to become more of a hindrance with their drama than a source of encouragement and support. Looks like I have a decision to make rather soon....stay tuned for updates....

LA it is

A photographer friend of mine has encouraged me to continue my blog and detail my continuing adventures in the modeling business. So what started simply as a way to let friends and family know about my trip to NY will now progress into something more and maybe a useful tool for all the newbies checking this out.

To summarize the trip to NY, there really isn't much work in NYC right now for the standard working model. The economy has hit that city so hard that it isn't the ideal place for someone like me at this stage in my career. But Manhattan will always be fashion mecca for the US, 2nd only to Paris, so when things do get better it will definitely be the place to work. But for right now the best place for me is LA.

I have only been back home for 4 days and I already have 3 jobs lined up and 2 big ones in the pipeline. I have a job at Smashbox on the 15th, a job for a bridal gown company in SD the week of the 20th and a shoot for a clothing boutique in Laguna Beach on the 20th. The 2 big jobs are Axe Body Spray and Smiffy's, a UK costume and lingerie company. The Axe job shoots next Thursday and Friday and pays VERY well and the Smiffy's job shoots on the 21st and pays almost as good for 1 day as the Axe job does for 2 so I am keeping my fingers crossed for that one!

I also signed with a new agency the day after I returned from my trip. I am now represented by Jet Set Models, based in La Jolla, and I have a really good feeling about this agency. Everyone I met with was really cool and passionate about their job and my potential and those are all very important ingredients to a successful career. I know they will be working for me and with me to develop my career to the level I want it at. I will be sending them bikini snapshots tomorrow to be submitted to their contacts at quite a few magazines in LA and NY (Glamour, Shape and Self to name a few) so I'm looking forward to seeing what happens there. Would be nice to be in a magazine again after about 8 yrs :)

My goals:
Jet Set asked me to send them a list of clients I have worked with and a list of clients I would like to work with, which I think is a great tool for them and for me. Here is what I came up with, let's see how I do over the next 6 months...

1. Beauty Story in magazines such as Allure, Cosmo, Self, Shape, Glamour
2. Any Cosmetics Company
3. Target/Wal-mart/Kohl's - major commercial/commercial print job
4. Bridal Gown designers (i.e. Vera Wang, Monique Luillier)

This was all I could come up with on the spot. I think, and so does my agency, these are all realistic and attainable goals so wish me luck! :)

Decisions, Decisions...

It's been an interesting few days. After talking with old friends in the business and doing a bit more research online it seems NYC isn't what it used to be. While my old contacts agree that having ANY agency interested in taking me on is a major breakthrough, they all argue that right now is not the time to be in NY. One friend of mine who has been in the business about as long as I have (continuously though, I took years off) just relocated to London where everyone turned her down but 1 agency, where she had a contact. The economy is really bringing down the fashion/modeling industry hard and I am in no position to make a financial gamble on a market that is showing obvious favoritism to supermodels/celebrities and not much love to the normal working model. The friend in London is coming back to NY the beginning of June because work does pick up here then and has convinced me that would be the best time for me to come back as well.

I still plan on talking with Major and Ford tomorrow to see what they say but I think that ultimately I will head back to LA on Wednesday, sign up with a different, stronger LA agency within the next week and focus on working there, making as much money as I can and test a bit more with better photographers so that come June I am better prepared to hit the NYC market. I will also try to lose a bit more weight so that I am more competitive with the walking stick figures out here :) Even though at the moment I don't plan on staying in NYC, this has been a great learning experience and has re-acclimated me to the 2009 modeling industry in NYC.

The hard part is done

I have finally finished meeting with or dropping off my pictures/info to all the agencies out here! My feet are so unhappy with me right now but I'll live :)

I met with an old friend of mine, Scott, who runs 1 model management (one of the top agencies here right now) and we discussed the whole economic situation in the NY fashion industry, the strength of my book as is and how the jobs are right now out here. He has been in the business for 15+yrs so I trust his judgement and value his opinions. His take on the situation in NY is that where there used to be 100 jobs in NY per month, there are now around 50 jobs per month. He also said that companies and magazines are not as willing as they used to be to gamble with their money on a new face and are sticking with the supermodels and celebrities for their advertisements and jobs. But he did say that work around here tends to pick up some around May/June when the weather gets better and that would be a better time for a newer model to be here to work. He also said that I needed 1-2 more tests in my book with stronger styling and better photography. He did like 3-4 pictures in my book and said that it was almost better out here to show 3-4 strong pictures than 3-4 strong ones mixed with 4-5 commercial/beauty shots so depending on what I decide to do, if I head back to LA that will be my focus over the next month/6 weeks.

This seemed to be the general consensus amongst the agencies out here. I struck up conversations with a few on Thursday as that was my "walk-in" day so the people at the agencies were easier to talk to since they weren't inundated with busy open calls and other wannabe models. Aside from CESD, which mainly does commercial/commercial print work, all the fashion agencies I spoke with said that work here is almost non-existent and generally going to the supermodels/well established models with tearsheets in their book. They all acknowledged that work picks up around May/June and that would be a better time to come out here and see everyone again if I didnt find someone to take me on now. And a few stressed that I shouldnt get discouraged if I dont get picked up by an agency right now. The economy is causing designers/magazines/etc to either close their doors entirely or go into Ch. 11 bankruptcy protection leaving the agencies with debts to the models for work done but no one to get those payments from. And on top of that, they have models who have been with them for a while that have charged up debt with the agency and havent been able to work at all or enough to pay that back. So its one big mess out here right now with agencies being indebted to models, agencies not being able to get payment from vendors and there just not being enough work to justify taking on any new girls.

The recommendations I received, aside from just coming back here next month, was to go abroad if I can or stay in LA if I am working consistently until things pick up here. The agencies seem to be sending their girls to Asia and Australia to get experience and tearsheets so that when things do start picking up here they are better prepared and more valuable than before they left. If after talking with the guys at Ford on Monday or Tuesday the amount of work here isnt enough to warrant me staying I will head back to LA, work my butt off, look into the Asia thing a bit further and aim to be back here in June. Summer in NYC SUCKS royally but I'll deal with it if the work is here. Europe doesnt seem like the place to send girls anymore, which is surprising but shows how bad the global economy is right now. It seems like its best to stay where you are from and try to work there so you incur less debt to the agency and they are more likely to work with you if they don't have to front many, if any, costs to take you on. The less risk up front, the better your chances.

So the rest of the weekend I will concentrate on spending time catching up with my friends and enjoying one of my favorite cities :) Monday and Tuesday will be spent contemplating choices and making a decision.

Day #1

My feet are killing me and the balls of each foot feel like I am stepping on fire, but other than that today was pretty darn good.

Started the day off hitting the open call at NEXT, which was a pretty rough start. I got there at 1025am hoping to be one of the first girls in there because our schedule was pretty packed and they didnt end up seeing any of the people for open call until 1105am. So not cool, especially when its a no! After NEXT I was off to VNY for their open call. After looking through my pictures and then taking some polaroids they decided that they didn't like me. 0 for 2 so far so I was a little bummed. REQUEST was next and after looking through my book they asked to keep one of my cards, wrote down my age and phone number and said they would discuss taking me on and call me tomorrow. So by lunchtime I had 1 maybe and 2 no's...not a great start but that's ok, 16 more agencies to see!

After lunch I hit my appt at RED down in Tribeca. I met with Wendy and she was actually pretty cool. She liked the pictures in my book and thought I was a "very beautiful girl" and asked for me to take some natural snapshots and email them to her tomorrow to make sure I photograph well normally without all the makeup and lighting. So another maybe but a stronger maybe than REQUEST. The highlight of this stop was walking down the stairs to street level only to have the doors locked and arrows diverting down one more floor which happened to be flooded. I had to walk through about an inch of water through some hallways to get out of that building. I should have just waited for the elevator! :)

After RED I headed uptown to stop by MARILYN and TRUMP to drop off my pictures/info hoping to get some interest from them since they don't hold open calls. So awkward! You walk into the agency and the bookers look at you like "um, who are you? do I have an appt I dont know about?" The bookers at MARILYN were nice and told me to leave my pictures on the table with my contact info and they would look at them. I cannot say the same about TRUMP. One booker had a mouth full of food, took one look in my direction covered her mouth, shook her head, pointed to the other booker across the table from her and walked away. That guy, upon asking what I wanted, held his hand up to his ear and pretended to have a hard time hearing me. Now, those who know me know that my voice is quite audible so that guy was just being an ass. He asked me to leave my info and pictures so I did and left.

Next up was the open call for FORD. I was running a little ahead of schedule and got there about 15 minutes early, hoping again to be one of the first seen to help expedite the rest of the open calls/appts this afternoon. Unfortunately about 10 other girls thought the same thing. But this one went really well. They took about 12 girls' information to start and about 10 minutes later, the guy came back and called out my name only. He said that they wanted to meet with me to discuss things further. So I went back and met with 2 of the guys that run the commercial division there and they are interested in representing me. YAY! We talked a bit more about how the market is in NY compared to LA and what my living situation would be so that they could get an idea as to what would need to be fronted by them for me to go with the agency so they were obviously relieved to find out that I have friends to stay with and wouldnt need housing, which is a big expense. I told them I was making the rounds at the agencies in NY and that I would make my decision by Thursday or Friday on who I would be going with so they took my card and gave me their cards and said to call or email on Friday or Monday to let them know what my decision is.

WILHELMINA was next and that sure was an interesting one. After rejecting everyone that was there the girl asked me if I would be interested in doing promotional modeling for their W Media/W Runway division. I looked at her puzzled and asked what that was exactly. To me, I associate promo modeling with bar girls pushing beer. She said that was not the type they were talking about so I went in and met with a booker there to get more clarification on what exactly it was. Its not the type of modeling I am interested in doing but if I came out here and needed "filler" work to get some quick money to pay bills this would be an option since they said it was on a non-exclusive basis.

MAJOR was the last stop of the day and probably took the longest and was the most "interesting." I BARELY made it there for the open call because FORD and WILHELMINA took so long since I spent time talking with each about representation. So there were 4 other people there waiting to be seen so they had all of us line up in front of a door to the room where the bookers were and told us that we would introduce ourselves by name, location and age and then proceed to do a runway walk around the perimeter of the room as each booker watched us. There was a nice, but intially snotty, French woman running it that turned out to be the main lady at the agency. So after our walk they invited each of us back to talk with the French lady. When I went back to meet with her one-on-one she looked through my book and liked my pictures a lot and asked if I had modeled before. After talking about my history in the business she told me that she looks at me and sees a "money machine" but wonders if she has the clients for me. She then calls for one of the main bookers to come into her office to meet with me as well. That goes well and she then tells him to take me and introduce me to each booker and have them look at my book. So I make the rounds and meet about 9 people at the agency who all seemed to like me and my look. After all that was done she tells the guy to make sure to get my info, he then asks if he is to put me in their system right now but she says no, that I am doing the rounds and they will all be having a meeting about me later tonight. I take that as a good sign :)

So that was my day. Pretty busy, fun, disappointing to start but things ended on a good note. Tomorrow will be even busier with some BIG agencies so hopefully I have another good day! Even if no other agency is interested in me, with FORD in my corner this trip was worth it :)

On my way

So the day has finally come. I am sitting at my gate at John Wayne airport in OC waiting to board my plane and have about an hour to do a whole lotta nothing. And those who know me know that when I have idle time on my hands I think, which sometimes isn't a good thing.

Yesterday/last night was pretty hectic and quite an emotional day. A person that I still love dearly is no longer in my life and hasnt been for about 4 weeks now. For some reason all these emotions with regards to that person/relationship and my trip all came flooding into my brain at once and made yesterday rather difficult to get through. On one end, I am excited and anxious to get to NY and see if all the hard work was worth it. I am looking forward to seeing my friends out there as I have not been back since my birthday in 2007. On the other end I am overcome with a sense of loss and a small amount of closure with regards to that certain person. While I do think at this point in our lives it is best we are not together, I cant ignore how strongly I feel about them. They should have been the one to take me to the airport to wish me luck. They should be the one I cant wait to tell all about the trip. But unfortunately thats not how things are playing out right now. But I am moving forward and trying my hardest to forget about that person so that I can be strong and focused on myself and my goals. However things play out months from now I need to focus on the present and myself, FINALLY!

So on to the travelling part. I can see why fewer people are flying these days. Aside from the really good deal I got on the ticket to NY I cant help but notice how the airlines and airports nickel and dime you to death once they have you in their clutches. I had to pay $15 to check 1 bag, which on a RT ticket adds $30 to the total cost to fly. I paid $5.99 for wifi access at the airport since I had an hour to kill and wanted to stay busy doing something other than focusing on the food court and massive amount of horrible food options at my fingertips. I just find it amazing the amount of little charges they hit you with within a short amount of time. What's next, a charge to use the bathroom? That'll be $1 to pee and $3 to do "other" business :)

I must admit, in spite of the ridiculous procedures and fees I miss traveling. I used to travel much more than I have over the past year and is one of the reasons I am glad that modeling has become an option for me once again. I like the idea that I could be in a different city/country many times per year. While I do call SoCal home and always find myself back here I do love the cultures and people I have been exposed to through my travels. I think the reasons for me being the way I am stem from travelling abroad at a young age. I was able to see things/people/places outside the SoCal bubble and they helped shape who I am and helped me appreciate how good we have it here. Maybe thats why I get a little agitated and restless if I havent gone SOMEWHERE outside of SoCal every few months.

So my adventure officially begins. This is an exciting time and I welcome what comes next :)


xoxo Chrissy

4 days to go...

Nerves are starting to set in but thank god I have so much on my schedule over the next few days I don't have much time to think about it. I have a fashion show up in LA tomorrow night, on Sunday I have an informal modeling event for a bridal gown designer (Kirstie Kelly) and then Monday is tie-up-loose-ends day with laundry, mani/pedi and a facial on my schedule.

It's hard not to be blown away by what has happened in my life over the last 10 years. It has been almost 10 years since I first went to NYC for the sole purpose of getting a modeling agency. Back then I was in "prime" condition - young, skinny and ready to go. Now, I am older, not as skinny and trying to do the same thing again. Back in 1999, I went to NY armed with 3 professional but not so good pictures and some snapshots hoping that 1 out of the top 10 agencies in NYC would take me on. After seeing everyone, I had offers from 9 of the top 10 agencies and decided to go with Women (one of the top 3 at the time and STILL one of the top agencies in NY).

This time around I do not expect things to be as good, I am an optimist but definitely a realist about this business. I am competing with girls 10+ years younger than me and skinnier than me...my chances are low but there is a chance. Luckily I have taken pretty good care of myself over the years and have very few lines and wrinkles on my face so I usually pass for 22-23 here in LA so I am going for the same age range when I get to NYC. I will be visiting 19 agencies (yes things have changed quite a bit in 10 years) and hope 1 wants me. That's all I need, just 1 agency to like me and want to represent me. I have been testing like a mad woman here in LA over the last few weeks to try and build as good of a book as I can before heading out there. That "experience" and the level of pictures in my book will be the only real advantage I have going into the agencies since I am not a young little thing. But I am happy with the pictures I have and think they will take me far in LA if NYC doesn't work out...but hopefully things do work out :)

To prep for this upcoming trip, which I booked 2 1/2 weeks ago, I have been working out at the gym almost every day (I have taken maybe 3 days off over the last 4 weeks). I have tried to change up my diet to see what would be most effective but have found my body to not be too cooperative. Unfortunately my body does not react to certain things like it used to and seems to be at that point of "NO WAY! I AM NOT LOSING ANYMORE WEIGHT!" but I am trying everything I know to trick it into going a little lower. I have tried low carbs/high protein, low calories, etc. I have tried working out 2 times a day, weights every other day, etc. but I am just not losing weight as quickly as I used to or would like to. I have, to say the least, dropped 1 dress size since the end of January so something is working, I just dont see it. Maybe its my BDD (body dismorphic disorder) coming back to haunt me. Whatever it is, I am trying to stay optimistic and know that I am doing everything I can to be where I need to be and now its really up to God.

Wish me luck! My goal is to blog each day during my trip to NYC so keep checking for updates...I leave on Tuesday 3/31.